Hello?

I might be talking to the spiders creeping around the corners of this blog, but I'm here to turn on the lights and wipe the dust away – second year at college has been crazy, but these are all you need to know about the past few months of the gastronomy of student life:

The most important things I've learnt from student living:

1. Cream cheese and honey on toast makes a bangin' breakfast. Richard claims it to be "like cheesecake on toast". TIP: Stuff warm pita with the same stuff. It's ridiculous.
2. If you don't buy it, you won't eat it. Do you really need a pack of McVitie's Chocolate Digestives every time you pass (or delibrately browse) the biscuit section in Tesco's?
3. Light butter spread is pretty useless. I dunno, it might help with the calories and saturated fat and whatever, but it barely tastes like the real deal!
4. Never let yourself run out of milk. Milk is the loo roll of the refrigerator. Gotta have it at all times. No milk means dry cereal, black coffee, black tea, no means of making hot chocolate, pathetic scrambled eggs, no impromptu pancakes... and the list goes on.
5. Abstain from purchasing cereal. Mostly if you're someone like me who cannot resist eating cereal out of the box, cinema-popcorn style. I've opted for porridge oats, which are less edible straight out of the box.
6. Frozen food is your best friend. Meat, veg, pizza, pies, ready meals – the best thing to do after a long day at dance college is sticking something into the oven for dinner which hardly cost anything.
7. Sweet potato fries are the ish. Slice them up, stick them into the oven with oil, mixed spice and salt, and you're ready to go.
8. Portion minced meat before freezing. It's not much fun digging your pathetic knife into a solid block of meat when all you want is just enough for two portions of spaghetti bolognese.
9. Raw mushy sausages can become meatballs. Feeling like bits and bobs instead of rods? Worried that sausages and pasta don't look very sophisticated? Cut up raw sausages before cooking.
10. You can indeed accomplish an epicmealtime 'handle it' recipe. I've done it, and it was glorious.
11. Just take the mould off the cheese, nobody's going to die. Cream cheese and cheddar alike – I'm still here, aren't I?
12. Don't look down upon a roasted onion half. It's gooood.
13. Make and keep tons of tiny pancakes to use up expiring milk and leftover chocolate chips. You're welcome. Keep them in the freezer for an eternal breakfast backup plan.

It's been two years of student-living in an English country, but there are wonders undiscovered, the gaps of which my English boyfriend has happened to fill with his superior knowledge.

1. Fire ovens still exist. Richard had one in his student house.
2. Gravy granules! I'm learning.
3. Golden syrup or honey with beef and gravy. *Melts*
4. Mixed herbs can save your life. A sprinkle does magical wonders to almost anything.
5. Sweet and sour sauce with spaghetti is legit.
6. Actually, anything with pasta can be dinner.
7. Yes, even gravy.

Other stuff you should totally try making:

1. Peanut butter and banana milkshake: Blend two generous dollops of peanut butter, a chopped up banana, one or two tsp of sugar, and milk to cover 3/4 of what you've already got in the blender.
2. Peanut butter and banana porridge: Stir in mashed banana and however much peanut butter into your warm porridge for an energising start to the day! Much needed when you start with a ballet class every morning at college.
3. Nutella and peanut butter sandwich: I don't know why most people I speak to haven't tried this yet. Spread one slice of warm toast with nutella, the other with peanut butter, and stick them together. Watch them ooze and fuse. Enjoy.